Sugar Milk

I said I needed to post something - so here’s something….

Listening: My Climb playlist - based off of “Climb” by Mos Def. This has to be some of the smoothest hip hop ever.

Reading: Re-reading Shackling Waters by Adam Mansbach. It deserves it.

Doing:  Going over my expenses for just one day and preparing myself for this weekend adventure.

Eating: Garbage. A ton of garbage. Otherwise a chipotle chicken sandwich from Burger King.

Drinking: approximately 32 ounces of water. I’ve been drinking soda all day and my face is glowing with evidence. It doesn’t help that I’m due for a visit to the hairdresser.

Wearing: that white thermal with the hole that looks like a stain because it’s not quite a hole yet. And those extra thick comfy black sweatpants that has too much keychain in it.

Feeling: almost completely overwhelmed. I’m overthinking. A little tired. Distracted - but only by things I ought be distracted by.

Weather: Parly cloudy skies. Clear mostly. 50­°F and the window fan is spinning steady. 

Wanting: My passion back. For everything. I hope this excursion helps with that. I need it bad.

Needing: To revisit my goals created earlier this year. I swear the amount of money I spent in the past month got me questioning the hypocrisy associated with this “minimalist” lifestyle of mine. (file under: call Tyra-Girl)

Thinking: Can I do something right while at work? Will they call me when I’m gone? How long will I sleep? Why does my calendar say “Nothingness” and I’ve been doing - “everything”. My fashion sense. My perception and regard to sex.

Enjoying: My clean clothes. My evening. 

1. i went to a celtic wedding on saturday - it was one of the best wedding ceremonies i’ve ever attended. aside from photography gigs - it was the only wedding i’ve ever attended [in my adult life].
2. when i get married there will be a max of 10 witnesses, one best man (for the both of us) and the officiant.
3. i forgot to pack lunch today. as a result i came home and ate two pieces of lasagna, eggs, bacon, and a half bag of barbecue classic-kettle potato chips.
4. it felt good to commute today, in the rain, with dry socks.
5. i wish i was a profound composer whose music corresponded with current events and moved people to take revolutionary action for change; for good. profound instrumental music. abstract music.
6. “my focus is getting blurred”
7. regarding #2 - that’s gonna piss off a lot of “people”. them and my fucks will be no where to be found.
8. there’s something about the freight train across the freeway that gives me comfort when i see it snaking from downtown; when i hear it rolling underneath the village.
9. bags in empty seats, musty crowds, too packed and loud, talking about rounds 1 and 2 before block C and after the late lunch. that’s that kid that had a knife in his bookbag to showcase. rainy rainy and - yeah i want some fried chicken too. and with the wet outside, these motherfuckers picked the perfect day to roll up the runner, expose the tile and hope that someone notices the “CAUTION: Wet floor” sign in that dark corner.
10. at the wedding - Rita had this beautiful red and green tattoo of two salmon on her neck. i thought she was pisces but it’s actually based off of celtic tradition and belief that salmon hold wisdom and a wealth of knowledge. it was about a week old. it radiated on her skin. cuz in my head it meant she was pisces.

you should watch Everything Must Go and tell me what you think.
and i feel like i’ve completely relapsed on all of my 2013 goals…..
everything must go. 
everything.
(see #6)

:qws:

1. eyes are heavy.
2. and i didn’t keep my word about something so despite my seemingly okay day - i feel really shitty. i think my entire mood has shifted. especially the later it gets.
3. i have no idea what i’m going to do with this steamed shrimp.
4. omg things just got really loud.
5.  i wanna be better. 
6. came home. saw the mouthpiece with the bitch fly by me. bitch fly by me. wind flew past me. whole day at 30 mph past me. power walk past me. didn’t stop to ask me. and they in here burning, burning, burning, fried chicken deep underneath of clean cotton plugins, and i’m still warm.
7. head so big - he had a button-up wife beater.
8. and there was a stash under my doormat. i get so excited about these things that i savor the excitement by procrastinating my abuse.
9. discussing what it means to be a state employee with a colleague of mine and realized i started to sound very ungrateful.
10. i glanced at the title of this post and thought it said pepper in my ‘gina.

i don’t have a ‘gina.

:qws:

1. I don’t know what’s up with this insomnia but….fuck you insomnia
2. fuck you and fuck cancer and fuck deficiencies.
3. i wanna get 8 hours of sleep and my body only allows me to sleep for 5.8 hours. The other 2.2 hours my body allots to me are usually mere blocks away from my stop while on the bus. Or while at work trying to do data entry.
4. fuck data entry
5. getting an implied smiley face by way of email from my boss is better than the entire month of March so far. if y’all only knew.
6. yellow walls, cinnamon pine cones, baked seasoned chicken, curry, musty muddy toe-tips. curry. soaking dishes, kitchen cabinets slamming. televisions blaring. cigarillos rolling. nigga talk. artsy farts. dog barks. muffled remarks. spliffs sparked. and the squeaky metal slam of the drop box where the rent goes. yeah i likes this.
7. i laughed so much at the laundromat tonight. was gonna get Korean barbecue but the menus said “this ain’t in your budget” or “find a date” or “yo’ busted ass dont’eem like Asian so WTF”. i went back to the laundromat, folded my clothes, and laughed some more.
8. And regarding #6 - there ain’t no muthafucking Jimmy McMillan shouts happening in 3A. even after almost 3 years.
9. got $20 in quarters just for a pepsi and ended up becoming the change machine for - like 5 patrons. 

i feel.
so good.
it’s almost inappropriate.
this natural high.

There are some things that are needed. Because there are some things that are wanted….

1. we had a horrific 6-10” accumulation of bullshit today that shut down the entire city. one person called it tax dollars being spent on snow emergency preparedness. i call it a needed day off from work.
2. after my day yesterday - to receive a day off from work because of RAIN was clearly, solely, a supernatural act of God Himself. had to be.
3. i need to get back on top of my 2 out, 1 in rule. i have two new bags and i’ve yet to throw out/donate the old ones. I have three new books and I’ve yet to toss out ones i’ve already read. 
4. inclimate weather always calls for a movie and pizza. 101 dalmatians was nice but if it was done by Dreamworks instead of Disney, they would’ve kept that car chase at the end. i lived for that car chase. 
5. i have to get my shit together.
6. i have to get my shit together, Carol
7. Carol, get your shit together Carol.
8. tomorrow - as always, will be a better day
9. don’t piss on my head and tell me it’s raining…at least let’s take it in the shower and call it what it really is. you can’t possibly bullshit a bullshitter.
10. MANDATORY NOTE: Nos. 5-7

:qws:

someone ought make me beautiful.
finely manicured nails ought be bitten whilst bored
some[no]one ought give a little shit about my ramblings

also - you should tell me what you see when you look deep into my eyes. 
that way I can tell whether or not you bullshitting me…
and vice versa.

:qws:

i’m tryna lick on your fretless
bend your experience deep beneath the surface
use sound as my pearl necklace
drown deep in the timbre
break the fragility of your register
into three
part harmony.
make your colors hurt
to the point where they croon your melody
to the point where your spirit
run and tells of me
in song about the best of me.

by that point all it could be
is a folklore, fairy tale, some bullshit story
on how I used to be.

Read more

• If you are what you listen to - I need someone to know what a bassoon means to 18. Even though I’m digging that new Will.I.Am & Britney Spears joint.
• If I’m sick - I think quiet is probably the most important thing ever. And little reason to use my voice. Very little reason.
• If I’m only this thin while gyrating like a slut, nude in the mirror, maybe I should go into stripping.

1. when i close my eyes tight, the room spins when i’m not looking.
2. i’ve been drinking four different types of tea - all of which have some type of throat lozenge resting in the bottom.
3. quiet is the new music. haven’t listened to any music in about three days. i mean really listened.
4. i’m craving farina something terrible.
5. i’m tapped back into my work emails - according to this “armed robbery” notice, this ill holiday is a relief from that fucking zip code.
6. i need this fever to go away.
7. netflix, while it has been my friend, is boring as fuck.
8. haven’t even been on the interwebs like that - for real.
9. oh this quiet.
10. oh this quiet.

:qws:

• living the simple life is probably one of the most difficult things I’ve decided to do.
• I’m struggling to find contentment. 
• social media isn’t helping.
• social media is helping.
• came home from feeding families today
• … and the D word was waiting for me to get home.

nuzzled right up next to me, took my arms and wrapped them around itself, and told me to put on a movie.

-_-

I can’t figure out how to make it go away.

WARNING: I haz drunk

1. the more i’m me, the more problems i come across. what. the. fuck.
2. i need music. i need high. i need tears.
3. i want to eat some ass really bad right now. i want to be the one sitting at the table lookin’ stupid with the “you eat ass” face. and marvel at the scent it leaves in my 5 o’clock shadow.
4. i want penny candy. a bag of it.
5. i’m drunk. and i want more of it.
6. also, i feel like shit because the one(s) that wanted me hate the fact that they don’t want me. if that doesn’t make sense, refer to the title track of this post.
7. title track.
8. excuse me while i lay with my back on the floor and legs on the sofa and listen to interstate 83 and cinematic orchestra.
9. they’ll mimic jesus and make me feel better about myself more than i ever did.

eat. ass. face.

:qws:

1. Yesterday I went and got my headphones fixed. (now they can’t breed…………………..)
2. As a result of yesterday’s headphone exchange, my music is in my ears.
3. It’s been a quiet weekend. And the one time that quiet was interrupted I threw shade as if it was the cape once worn by the great and powerful Maleficent.
4. Hunger games.
5. I’ve been thinking about love a whole lot in the past….well….3 hours.
6. I took a nap inadvertently and I have no Zzzquil, Nyquil, or liquor to remedy the forthcoming insomnia.
7. Regarding numbers 2-4: I think I’m feeling really open and really vulnerable.  I’m afraid of making the wrong decisions. 
8. I didn’t go to church today. In fact I haven’t been to church in about 2-3 months. But today I distributed over 100 turkeys to less fortunate families in my old neighborhood. I felt like that was just as much an act of worship or tithing as if I went to a church and got sized up for how present I was after being absent for so long.
9. I’d like to see a fleet of baptist ushers collect offering to Flying Lotus’s Disco Balls.
10. Going back to Number 4:

I threw away my earth shoes today. And two towels.

Girl…..

:qws:

man, shit.

This morning is hella thick.

Read more

• Why does YouTube auto-complete exactly what I’m looking for if there’s no fucking video to go with it.
• My mother saw my Facebook page by way of a third party and told me I do NOT work at Caldor. Mom. Go home. You’re drunk.
• “Go home, Buddy. I work alone.” famous words that I wish I could say to my coworker every day.
• “Go home, Buddy. I work alone.”: the video I searched for on YouTube.
• I HAD AN ENTIRE PIZZA SITTING RIGHT HERE JUST A MOMENT AGO! #ReasonsToUseAnEnema
• Remember the landlords reaction to Prince Akeem & Semmi’s apartment after they remodeled? Yeah that’s what I imagine my landlord thinks every time she brings maintenance or inspectors through my crib. Boss.

trains.

*examines sleep nestled in the crow’s feet*

• lost the entire day to sleep.
• i was afraid this would happen when I was awakened after 10am by my maintenance crew.
• ceiling is still open from the weather.
• one word: Robert Glasper iTunes Festival.
• no. in fact that was four. but they equate to one.
• tomorrow is Wednesday. I hope I’m ready.
• i missed 5 minutes of a movie i was watching due to me cutting on the heat and frolicking out of control to the smell of fresh furnace and the feel of new heat.

it’s a short week. I have to make the best of it.