Listening: my autumn playlist. these jazz standards are dope but i swear the classical pieces make the leaves fall even more graceful.
Watching: Heartbeats. But I’m not going to finish it. I keep imagining myself cuddled up with a blanket and cup of my chai with the windows completely open and watching this film. But every time I tell myself to make a cup of chai, I’m too full to enjoy it. Thanksgiving has been good to me and I swear I’ve been stuffed for the past three days.
Doing: Preparing for the 3 month hiatus. December - February. Spring and Autumn memoir. Don’t you forget it.
Drinking: Hot Cinnamon spice tea. I want one of those tea kettles that sit on tea lights. I don’t need it though.
Wearing: a black t-shirt. yup.
Feeling: You know - last night I pulled out my journal from when I was a senior in high school and read an entire entry on contentment and being happy with what I have. Being completely satisfied with going without and finding happiness in experiences instead of in the tangible. It was a bit overwhelming to see that even 13 years ago - I was talmbout this stuff.
I guess some things never change.
Weather: Overcast - 30°F and we’re supposed to go go-carting today.
Wanting: $2000 worth of electronics and some quiet.
Needing: Just the quiet.
Thinking: About the Sound of Noise, the iPad, the music, this day’s events, and the fact that my entire immediate family was completely split up on Thanksgiving.
Enjoying: what I’m listening to and what I’m drinking.
- i like being alone.
and loneliness ain’t too much an issue. misunderstood however is a different beast and these two walked into the living room while i was watching the King’s Speech like i wouldn’t notice. i’ve been away from church from so long, i actually feel that it’s normal for me to get up at 830a walk to the train, take it 40 minutes away from home to see a 1030 showing of a matinee movie tomorrow. it’s 8:30 on saturday night. wtf. i knew the plans i had for this evening would fall through. i just wish i made back up plans. mannnnnnnn if i drove. all the thinks that you can think if you’re willing to try and fucking drive. then urrrrrybody bitching about being secondhanded. what about my firsthandedness?
- there isn’t enough liquor in here.
Listening: A combination of my fall playlist and my evening lounge playlist. I have a ton of excitement and energy over this music.
Watching: I’m watching The Help (again). I tell you what: these movies about the history of African-Americans in this country have a great thread to them but I can only hear all the folks on tumblr pointing out the err and flaws with each film. It’s part of the reason that I haven’t seen 12 Years A Slave yet. (also because I have to have someone hold my hand in heavy movies like that sometimes…..only sometimes)
Doing: Just got finished planking for 35 seconds. Yesterday was more difficult but that was also because it was accompanied by push-ups.
Eating: my diet today - I had three bowls of peanut butter crunch and half a pack of Nathan’s. either i’m a bachelor like a boss or it’s time to go to the grocery store. I’m going to go with the former instead of the latter because I actually have a full meal I could’ve made but didn’t feel like it.
Drinking: what you know about fresh-out-the-freezer pepsi under a cold window fan when it’s 46° outside?
Wearing: I was going to say my favorite basketball shorts but their back story is moreso what I enjoy over the basketball shorts
Feeling: energetic over pepsi and music and …. shit. I think I might do some shots. no. don’t.
Weather: Negroes say it’s cold.
Wanting: toys. lots and lots of toys. it’s November - I owe Santa a list.
Needing: to stop acting like I’m a born and raised New Yorker who done arrived. nothing about any part of me says get that $700 outfit. nothing.
Thinking: 5 more minutes and the disappointment begins. *sigh*
Enjoying: if this robe had a bury feature i’d be so deep in it with some chai on the side.
and they say writer’s block is no excuse
well mister james i’m here to tell you —
it’s not that i said that i wouldn’t
and it’s not that i absolutely can’t
but my excuse was laid out in that opening line
couldn’t lower the brim of my hat low enough
so the 27th day of october still managed
to coax my cornea and cast spells and voodoo type witchcraft
to bring forth the latency of my crow’s feet.
and we walked slow
and joseph tate
is a nasty bitch
it’s all about letting go
no answer is an answer
i just wish mister jones knew how much more intimate
his message could be
if he muted his trumpet
at least i wrote something today.
even if you don’t know what i’m talking about
and i think i am that man
that will change his entire coursenroute
just to watch
but i’ll bitch about being watched all day.
i just wanna see u.
joseph tate is a nasty bitch
and i wanna find out why.
Listening: So I worked really hard on an Autumn Playlist yesterday and now i’m listening to the electronica portion of it. Oh and my windows are still open so I’m also listening to the whirring echo of I-83 down below. Yeah it’s a cloud high regular until we have a high of 40°.
Reading: old posts to remind myself of how I truly define “relationship”
Doing: about to hop in the shower and freshen up for this outing happening tonight. I’m going to see Bad Grandpa. Not my first choice by any means. Bad Grandpa is a movie I’d wait to see on Netflix on an extremely bored day off from work. Not something I’d pay $12 to see on fucking opening night. I’ll redeem myself next week on my day off by going to see 12 Years a Slave or Gravity or Carrie or some shit like that.
Eating: thinking about the oreo cheesecake cups I just saw. I’m tasting them in my imagination otherwise I ain’t eating a damn thing.
Drinking: shit. I forgot to get a 5-hour energy. because between now and the theater house, I’m pretty sure sleep is going to start massaging my shoulders and tell me it’s okay…..everything will be okay; everything is okay.
Wearing: grey & navy boxer briefs. the windows are open….
Feeling: pensive. to say the least. but I got that good haircut tonight tho’.
Weather: Partly cloudy skies, dark, currently 52°. All of my windows are open and I think my window fan is trying to drop a hint. The temperature setting caused it to cut off automatically because of how chilly it is.
I was walking around today sweating, warm, uncomfortably warm. I walked past people who were bundled in scarves, tarps (yeah those), burlap, gloves, and nigga hats. *sigh* they all made me hotter as I saw each of them.
Wanting: my futon. and to see something other than Bad Grandpa.
Needing: to act like I have $3 in my bank account. instead of this shit that looks like a tax refund. #blessed
Thinking: …about what I’m reading.
Enjoying: this cold. this cold. this cold. and this playlist. It’s absolutely delicious.
- there’s nothing worst than watching porn and a song from your music library slowly fades up in the background of the video.
- from clear to blue to pink to purple to stained to black to infinite to invisible.
- i wanna be a model for a year. put me in frontcho lenz zaddy. dress me well. shoot me up.
- "again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. ‘All this I will give you’ he said ‘if you will bow down and worship me.’" Matt 4 8-9 girl - this is the new relationship marketing. FOH
- solitude is not the same as altitude. CAROL !
- i had plans on going to an 8:00a church service tomorrow. but i’m being a supportive friend and grudgingly (believe it or not) going to have a drink with a friend who’s avoiding a domestic situation.
Listening: Street Etiquette’s Downplay Mix that they posted earlier. This is some of the dopest shit I’ve ever heard. do you hear me?
Reading: seriously - until further noticed I’m changing this category to watching. Because unfortunately reading is a struggle for me. I want to change that but honestly - i ain’t reading shit right now.
Doing: making arrangements for a photo shoot tomorrow. it’s becoming an annual thing with Mr. UVanity himself.
Eating: nothing. but that strawberry cheesecake flavored cookie is crooning me with the harmony of a thousand joanna newsoms. i’ma just sit right here and….
Drinking: y’all should taste this vodka. it tastes like grapes. that would explain why it reminds me of white wine
Wearing: the smallest pair of underwear results in the most perpetual wedgie of all time. like i feel a little sexy in them but seriously - let’s discuss their disappearance in this…here.
Feeling: off. the sober tip. on. the tipsy side. with. the greatness. let’s backwash snowball vodka and chewing gum. that would be so sick. we’d be a sloppy mess. with vodka running down our chins trying to figure out where the gum is. and chewing. and laughing. no one does these things.
Weather: it’s still wet out. YES JESUS! IT’S STILL WET! this rain has been the most necessary beautiful thing i’ve experienced in awhile.
Wanting: i don’t wanna fall in love with you. i wanna rid myself of my crush for you by kissing you. long. passionately. hard. i probably won’t ever look or think of you the same ever again. give me this remedy please. because until then, i’ll always wonder about you. like you could ever possibly be a prince. or a friend….
Needing: to call zipcar since i turned that shit in 30 minutes late and virtually stole what was mine to return it back to it’s rightful home.
Thinking: about to beat it up. get a drink and beat it up. get a drink and fall asleep before i get the gloves on.
Enjoying: the traffic below, in the rain, sounds like ocean waves. you should hear how the crests tumble and undulate. tumble and undulate. tumble and undulate smoothly beneath the drizzlessss.
- i wish boogie was here to eat this pizza boli’s with me. it was last minute and a 2 hour trip in the rain but it would be nice to have him in my face eating this fucking pizza with me.
- my boyfriend, when i get one, will be perpetually frustrated with me. my mind will anger him. my heart will calm him. but overall he’ll be in turmoil about my thinkings. he’ll have to realize that all i think about is everything about us that never matters. so i can remind him of things he’ll never make a point to remember. i hate my mind.
- and then….
you don’t always have to prove or show that you’re not to be overpowered or dominated. why can’t you be held and lifted and taken care of every now and then? do you not like being dominated?
i’m not here to make you feel “weak” in any way. sometimes i just wanna kiss and sleep. the wrestling is fun. and the first time i emerged from your aggression, i walked around my apartment shirtless wearing my bruises proudly. secretly, but proudly.
sometimes i just want you to moan, let me tongue you down, and fall asleep with my face nestled between your thighs. without you being all cannibalistic.
- and you can kiss my entire ass and tell the entire world how far you were from staking a motherfucking claim.
- only two slices? yeah - only two slices of pizza.
- my cologne smells good.
- my apartment sounds cold and wet. despite the lighting.
- i’m cold.
- third slice….
and if i keep telling people i ain’t shit
watch what power is in this stubby ass fucking tongue.
Listening: the invisible. and interstate 83 down below. very relaxing. great turn down music. no really - i mean turn down. not intended to be used as the opposite of that dumb fuck ass turn up bullshit.
Reading: revisiting Essex Hemphill’s Brother to Brother Anthology. i found the perfect park, walking trail, waterfall to sit near right off the light rail to enjoy words that i haven’t touched read or explored since my sophomore year in high school.
Doing: looking at FTM porn. i’m more intrigued than anything. maybe with a hint of confusion in the mix. but definitely intrigued and it’s really fucking with my bi-curious side.
Eating: stray pieces of bacon out of my oven from yesterday that i forgot to use. don’t judge me. it’s bacon fucka.
Drinking: water. not dieter’s tea. but water. two glasses.
Feeling: grateful. very grateful. grateful for every minute relationship that i create, nourish, build, and praise throughout each workday. from tommy in hampden with the chronic snoring and the disrespectful words about his wife while she was under anesthesia - to mrs. taylor who sang “autumn leaves” as she came out of the bathroom after dropping a load (i let her borrown my leaves room spray so she wouldn’t feel so embarassed).
to coffee wide open to miss mack and her fine ass son with the smiling eyes. the women in the PACU and the relief with the dead tone. i appreciate each new relationship and the new creation of the ones that already existed. georgia and her threats and all the cindy’s with their complete disinterest in who i am and how i do my job. i love it. and i pray to God that this doesn’t change.
Weather: cloudy 61°F delicious cool. windows wide open. ready to be tucked in.
Wanting: even more contentment and to finish this “must be autumn” playlist i started.
Needing: to do something about my relationship with my family and try my best to make it better. i’m very empathetic and not-so enthusiastic about the lack thereof regarding it.
Thinking: i need to go straight to bed —- now.
Enjoying: the love i have for my grandmother. our conversation this evening had a lot of hidden foreshadowing in it and i need to make a move quick.
- in retrospect, without acknowledging it, i realize i was the best me i could possibly be today while at work today. i was productive and i was proactive. and it was effortless.
- i don’t know what they’re doing with the hot water in this building but — CAROL!
- i love it when my friends come around.
- so we’re about to try this master of my domain challenge again. i have original photography on the line. but damn didn’t we bend them rules real good?
- if i was rich - i would take such good care of you.
- but i’m not.
- i walked past the suicidal rabbit today. we made eye contact and he mumbled something about being late as he scurried back into the valley of the brush.
- had to look up the definition of brush - — - i used it right.
- i’m completely sober but i still feel the need to mention that some[one] should take the liberty of sitting on my face.
- everything about the media makes me hate everything about the world.
i have to get liquor in this house.
Listening: Lalah Hathaway sing about som e thin g.
Reading: finally using my time to read this short story. i hope my additions live up to those -serious expectations.
Doing: making the bed, the dishes, plotting a long walk to the csx overpass just to listen. or to the wharf to listen.
Eating: sliced apples, drizzled in honey. it’s the best.
Drinking: nothing. yet. considered tea. sun is too warm in the window.
Wearing: these white thangs, honey. lord they reaching they end but they’d make for a fine ass intro for something else.
Feeling: momentum slowing. too much rest in sight. too much slowing.
Weather: absolutely delicious. decadent and scrumptious. turned to perfection and basted in the highest of pressure. scrumptious and tasty. lip licking and tongue popping. throat coating and sweet stinging. soppy and thick. gooey and fresh. crisp even. savory morsel more-so nectarous. titillating. gotta go out in it.
gotta go out in it.
Wanting: a legit fucking playground that i can go to and get on some swings for a minimum of 30 minutes. with a smoothie.
Needing: gotta find some place to tithe my time. a retirement home, nursing facility, something.
Thinking: why is it so hard to keep my sugar under wraps?
Enjoying: this 5 day weekend was everything. and bitch, have you felt the weather?
- september burnt brown humidity
- playing cards in my underwear with pride & loneliness at the kitchen table.
- you have something to say? i don’t.
- overtime lotion overtime.
- autumn backlog - da fuck u doing here?
- love on[c]e and mean it..
- taste my butter.
- burnt brown humidity
- screaming at 94 year olds across the 28th street bridge. she hears love.
- withered spinach
- cyclical battles - should be done nude.
- vulnerability will make me a victor.
- spiral bound journals *lick my lips*
i have no [found] voice.
- his eyes remind me of kel.
- you know —- from Kenan & Kel
- his smile does too. that’s why i want him so bad.
- but he probably doesn’t like orange soda.
- but i’m sure he has a lot of respect for [sexuality]
- as long as i keep all the surroundum countums to myself.
- here’s the thing about people that remind me of other people. THEY LOOK NOTHING LIKE THE PEOPLE THEY REMIND ME OF — EVER.
how y’all dewin.
if he doesn’t like orange soda, i know he likes the vag. i’m sure of it.
- im not as nice as I seem.
- I’m an asshole.
- I saw someone I knew and made a point to dodge them because I didn’t wanna talk.
- I saw this bookbag I want. it’s perfect. but the last time I saw a bag I wanted. I wanted to get rid of it. it’s perfect for walking with dress slacks though.
- short and thick
- short and thick
- short and thick everything….(note to self - elaborate)
LMFAOOO I ain’t shit for that earlier thought.
- i hear children in the hallway of my apartment. i can’t believe how refreshing this sound is.
- i wanna cook breakfast but i don’t have any eggs. only breakfast meats and pancakes. i’m going to photograph something pretty - watch.
- the gnat population in my apartment has increased significantly.