Listening: XXYYXX. i mean i found them via iTunes but i’m only able to think of my queen etceterauniverse when i listen to them. because she’s the only other person that i know that playlisted them.
Watching: so i watched the Normal Heart today. and while i feel, on the surface, that Mark Ruffalo plays a gay horribly, the roles and the intensity of the movie really did move me. create an anger in me. not so much an anger but a desire to move something. i don’t know if that something is my ass or a mountain or everything in between — but i wanted to knock a planet off of its revolution to create a new way to balance shit. i wanted….different(ce).
Doing: every other day, my apartment manages to look like absolute shit and grimy and sad and as if a depressed person is the one managing the lease. so i gotta get this place extra straight, extra quick just in case some mid-late night company wanna come over and watch Archer -_- srsly.
Eating: about to smash a bacon cheeseburger. cuz i got it like that.
Drinking: ladies and gentlemen, i present to you, another disgustingly sober evening. a friday one. i just got in from a zipcar housewarming party and i had a beer there but…..the fuck is a beer.
Wearing: a oversized green polo shirt, jeans, black fitted. yeah all of this plus the beer definitely got me acting like a boy tonight. not that i act like a girl any other night. but - yeah. just know that i’m not about to #NoHetero this statement. even though i already did.
Feeling: sober as fuck. also bored. and frugal. because bored. and sober. because frugal.
Weather: it’s mostly cloudy and about 70°F. if you walk down the right block, between the right buildings, the sexiest spring breeze will stroke you up real good.
Wanting: to change all my feelings.
Needing: to hit the lottery. and not the big one. i don’t need to hit the mega millions or anything like that. i just need a good scratch off to slip me $500. i don’t need much. ever. just a little bit. to get by. i can wake up in the morning and appreciate the hell out of the sunrise and showering with daylight before splashing water up on my face. but if i had like $500 to add to that glorious feeling….all would be alright. you hear me, chile? all would be all right.
Thinking: she think we don’t need to do that much drinking in 45 minutes - i feel like we need to because “FEELINGS”. also - i’m about to take over some dashboards because i wanna post as much as i can before the summer (June) gets here.
Enjoying: my music. this weather. and the possibility of getting a drink tonight. (it’s not happening)
- while i’m glad to finally have my haircut after a month, it would be even more incredible to have a barber who had some concept of the word “taper” — it looks like my neck line stops/starts at my ears.
- pat metheny made me cry today. again. it’s one thing for a song to make me cry. it happens often. in fact, music is the one thing that can make me cry more than anything else in the world. even if i’m sad and can’t get the tears out, half notes and quarter notes and dissonant chords will push them motherfuckers right down my face. HOWEVER, for a particular song to make me cry more than once is rare. and i swear he gives me proof on “The Way Up”
- today feels like sunday - therefore my bags are completely packed for my trip. i just wish i had one of those extended battery juice packs. because the iPhone 5 battery is almost as reliable as public transportation.
- here’s a thing about my
tumblrcrushes: they’re like magazine subscriptions. it’s something new every month. they hold my attention well. i get all up in that cerebral space. swipe all their cologne samples. get into them over a gin & sprite conversation…and then, never recycle, but always add to this masterpiece collage of mine.
- i can’t wait for brunch.
- this cali playlist is gon be the shit. all the artists from last night + Flying Lotus, Teebs, Me’Shell N’degeocello,
Listening: this weekend sounding ass slouch socks playlist i created. Rhye, Quadron, Boom Clap Bachelors, Jessy Lanza, and Little Dragon.
Watching: soon as this food i ordered show up — i’m diving into the rest of Drop Dead Diva
Doing: praying that i don’t get buyer’s remorse from the shoes that i purchased. i hate buying clothes that i actually need.
Eating: whooo jesus. it ain’t show up yet. but when that pizza gets up in me, my only regret will come when i baptize myself in the pacific ocean on monday evening. i have to remember that this is the only life i have and therefore, the pacific will understand me more than anyone has this year.
Drinking: why. the. fuck. is. my. glass. empty? i’m about to walk back out and get a fifth of something clear and fruity.
Wearing: tshirt. jeans. torn thoroughly at the bottom. salt-crusted nike boots. i must throw away these boots, those black loafers, those new balances, all of those underwear, those tshirts, and those dress shirts. also i must find a reliable dry-cleaners.
Feeling: fuck you. fuck you for thinking i’m not aware that i haven’t had a haircut in a month. fuck you for thinking something is wrong. fuck you for thinking i NEED something versus i WANT something different. and to be quite honest, when YOU get so full of your fucking self, the hatred i have for myself in these situations manifests into even greater hatred for your misunderstanding bitchshit.
Weather: overcast and cloudy like shit. 50°F enough for this hoody and being held on a bus stop without sweating.
Wanting: this weekend and the following 4 days to work out. perfectly. there’s way too much concern and worry and anxiety crammed into my mental regarding this trip. i blame television. jarelion better take care of me.
Needing: the 60° on Sunday to come prematurely so i can enjoy this huge brunch I’m plotting to have on the balcony.
Thinking: i create better experiences alone than i do with you.
Enjoying: as always, see Listening
Stop saying “I guess.”
Whether it’s a response, the start, or the end of a statement. Just stop.
Listening: i’m listening to 83. if i open my windows and close my eyes, the tires of the traffic against the soaked asphalt sounds good. feels good. that’s what i’m listening to (bitch). and Misterioso is playing repeatedly in my head.
Watching: DTLA on Netflix. i don’t know man. i’m having the most difficult time keeping up with who’s who and why’s who. cuz i swear their connection to one another is all over the damn place.
Doing: i haven’t cleaned my kitchen or touched a dish in nearly a week. every time i go to soak something it ends up staying there for another 48 hours. it’s time to do something with this shit.
Eating: i have a pack of $.75 cent donuts that i got from the gas station on standby for devouring. i totally did a weed munchie run earlier and it was pretty fucking remarkable. for reasons. heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy mr. laundry man.
Drinking: not a damn thing. i have this pepsi sitting next to me that i also got from the aforementioned munchie run but — dammit not a damn thing. i should be drinking some amsterdam straight right about now. that way I could pull a molly. like i did last night in the middle of doing laundry.
child - i left the laundromat and went to the bar, ordered a bacon cheeseburger to be cooked medium with seasoned fries and a long island. all on an empty stomach. the result: i saw two of every thing i folded and i left a brand new bottle of body wash in the backseat of the zipcar.
call me molly — cuz i was in danger girl.
Wearing: these black scrubs. sized medium. also white t-shirt and these droopy looking crew socks. heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy mister laundry man.
Feeling: tired. but avoiding a nap. because - well - the night is young and it’s the weekend. but i’m also tired in other ways. but y’all already knew that.
Weather: steady steady steady steady steady steadyyyyy showers baby. showerssssss showering the showered summo. all the way down to the puddles, sugar. and we are now descending from the high of 52° down into the cool cool cool pulse of the night. tip my bongo player if you read the inflections right.
- i don’t wanna talk about what i want right now because i’d get it. and i don’t want it that easily. but i do. i’d say i want a pizza but i don’t think i’m feeling to get a pizza. i don’t think i’m feeling for too much of anything. oh shit - i do want that vodka though.
Needing: to pay my rent. actually that’s more of a want than a need. weird right?
Thinking: about los angeles. how i’ll be there in two weeks. how i still gotta pay for my lodging. how i’ll more than likely enjoy the outside appearance of the walt disney concert hall more than what i’m going to the concert hall to listen to (bitch). i just have this fear that it’s going to be a lot of tapes used.
Enjoying: please see Listening
Listening: Recoiled by Flying Lotus. Get in on this shit. I swear the spirit of Baltimore snuck up into his veins intravenously when he produced this motherfucker right here.
Reading: new theories on the malaysian flight that got sucked into a the bermuda triangle while it was in the middle of stretching and yawning.
Doing: getting dressed and preparing myself for a night of drinking. my pre-gaming was quite effective (hence the title of this mawfucking post). and my friend i’m heading out with is playing a bunch of FUCKING games making me not even wanna head out. i already passed out pre-game style once tonight.
Eating: burnt up ass Checkers fries i bought from my grocer’s freezer. had to put some kind of starch up in my bod-bod.
Drinking: amsterdam. straight from the bottle. from the mouth of the bottle to the mouth of my lips. my lips don’t have a mouth. my lips make up the mouth. so yeah. from the mouth of the bottle. to the mouth of me. that doesn’t sound right….. (to the mouth of the quillium. to the mouth of this man. to the mouth of THIS NIGGA RIGHT HERE. naaaahhh to MY MOUTH RIGHT HERE [FOR REAL]. from the lips of the bottle to the lips of the poet. from the bottle to the head.
i would love to be generous with some brain right now actually.
Wearing: this fucking thermal because i’m cold. and it’s not even cold in here. alcohol.
Feeling: i know he better hurry up and get here. and because i typed the word “hurry” this entire portion of this entry is to be read in Regina King’s Boondock’s voice.
Weather: it’s chilly outside but it’s nice. like — i should keep this thermal on and a light jacket but nothing too heavy.
Wanting: financial freedom. a financial savior. not to remember everything that’s currently depressing me.
Needing: all of the things that i want. it’s balled into a needwant.
Thinking: i can’t wait to fucking take pictures of Rah! tomorrow.
Enjoying: Rah! and typing this in front of boogie. he’own give a fuck.
- i woke up this morning at 7:15a
- first thing i did was tweet about it.
- then i became afraid because i think DST will make me late for work tomorrow.
- but i’m still extra excited that i woke up today.
- sharing with a ton of strangers that i’m still here.
- the last dream i had was of leonardo dicaprio playing “It Is Well With My Soul” on piano.
- here’s my new chance to get it right.
- i wanna take low-saturated photos on a beach.
- i told him my esteem, on a scale of 1-10 was like a 4 at all times.
- except for after the barbershop
- i told him the ONLY cure is usually to take selfies.
- i hate taking selfies.
- drank REALLY well last night.
- i woke up laughing.
- i woke up laughing.
- bitch did you read the last two bullets. that’s some important fucking shit.
- i wanna take photos on a beach.
- i wanna take selfies on a beach.
- two days after a haircut.
and slip away into the current of the pacific.
which is an ocean that apparently got it’s name for being more peaceful than the Atlantic.
which is an ocean that swallowed a city.
and destroyed nations.
- i need to stop obsessing over hair bumps
- i watched an exercise video, looked in the mirror, felt the same.
- i watched it.
- gears spinning and burning
- cogs like copper
- aliens and boogie monsters played the roles of angels and seraphim
- my forearm is pressed against your windpipe and your back is against the wall and there’s a train storming by loudly outside my window and it’s raining quietly and before you can acknowledge the fact that you’re not breathing, you feel me unbuckle your trousers. the caboose got the place shaking.
- ^ what was that.
- between the mental gears spinning and these hairbumps….
- i’m convinced that there’s a significant amount of iron…
it’s too monday for all this.
So here’s the past 90 days.
- What even is 50° anymore?
- a somber Christmas….
- a few frozen hearts….
- beautiful new friends…
- meticulous irritants…
- look at that bawwwwdy
- los angeles
- saint louis
- snow shoeing
- ice walks
- blackened bridges
- raw noses
and a soundtrack to go with the whole thing.
"i look upon ever day to be lost, in which i do not make a new acquaintance." Samuel Johnson
"everywhere is nowhere. when a person spends all his time in foreign travel, he ends by having many acquaintances, but no friends.
Jesus be a scale.
Listening: my autumn playlist. these jazz standards are dope but i swear the classical pieces make the leaves fall even more graceful.
Watching: Heartbeats. But I’m not going to finish it. I keep imagining myself cuddled up with a blanket and cup of my chai with the windows completely open and watching this film. But every time I tell myself to make a cup of chai, I’m too full to enjoy it. Thanksgiving has been good to me and I swear I’ve been stuffed for the past three days.
Doing: Preparing for the 3 month hiatus. December - February. Spring and Autumn memoir. Don’t you forget it.
Drinking: Hot Cinnamon spice tea. I want one of those tea kettles that sit on tea lights. I don’t need it though.
Wearing: a black t-shirt. yup.
Feeling: You know - last night I pulled out my journal from when I was a senior in high school and read an entire entry on contentment and being happy with what I have. Being completely satisfied with going without and finding happiness in experiences instead of in the tangible. It was a bit overwhelming to see that even 13 years ago - I was talmbout this stuff.
I guess some things never change.
Weather: Overcast - 30°F and we’re supposed to go go-carting today.
Wanting: $2000 worth of electronics and some quiet.
Needing: Just the quiet.
Thinking: About the Sound of Noise, the iPad, the music, this day’s events, and the fact that my entire immediate family was completely split up on Thanksgiving.
Enjoying: what I’m listening to and what I’m drinking.
- i like being alone.
and loneliness ain’t too much an issue. misunderstood however is a different beast and these two walked into the living room while i was watching the King’s Speech like i wouldn’t notice. i’ve been away from church from so long, i actually feel that it’s normal for me to get up at 830a walk to the train, take it 40 minutes away from home to see a 1030 showing of a matinee movie tomorrow. it’s 8:30 on saturday night. wtf. i knew the plans i had for this evening would fall through. i just wish i made back up plans. mannnnnnnn if i drove. all the thinks that you can think if you’re willing to try and fucking drive. then urrrrrybody bitching about being secondhanded. what about my firsthandedness?
- there isn’t enough liquor in here.
Listening: A combination of my fall playlist and my evening lounge playlist. I have a ton of excitement and energy over this music.
Watching: I’m watching The Help (again). I tell you what: these movies about the history of African-Americans in this country have a great thread to them but I can only hear all the folks on tumblr pointing out the err and flaws with each film. It’s part of the reason that I haven’t seen 12 Years A Slave yet. (also because I have to have someone hold my hand in heavy movies like that sometimes…..only sometimes)
Doing: Just got finished planking for 35 seconds. Yesterday was more difficult but that was also because it was accompanied by push-ups.
Eating: my diet today - I had three bowls of peanut butter crunch and half a pack of Nathan’s. either i’m a bachelor like a boss or it’s time to go to the grocery store. I’m going to go with the former instead of the latter because I actually have a full meal I could’ve made but didn’t feel like it.
Drinking: what you know about fresh-out-the-freezer pepsi under a cold window fan when it’s 46° outside?
Wearing: I was going to say my favorite basketball shorts but their back story is moreso what I enjoy over the basketball shorts
Feeling: energetic over pepsi and music and …. shit. I think I might do some shots. no. don’t.
Weather: Negroes say it’s cold.
Wanting: toys. lots and lots of toys. it’s November - I owe Santa a list.
Needing: to stop acting like I’m a born and raised New Yorker who done arrived. nothing about any part of me says get that $700 outfit. nothing.
Thinking: 5 more minutes and the disappointment begins. *sigh*
Enjoying: if this robe had a bury feature i’d be so deep in it with some chai on the side.
and they say writer’s block is no excuse
well mister james i’m here to tell you —
it’s not that i said that i wouldn’t
and it’s not that i absolutely can’t
but my excuse was laid out in that opening line
couldn’t lower the brim of my hat low enough
so the 27th day of october still managed
to coax my cornea and cast spells and voodoo type witchcraft
to bring forth the latency of my crow’s feet.
and we walked slow
and joseph tate
is a nasty bitch
it’s all about letting go
no answer is an answer
i just wish mister jones knew how much more intimate
his message could be
if he muted his trumpet
at least i wrote something today.
even if you don’t know what i’m talking about
and i think i am that man
that will change his entire coursenroute
just to watch
but i’ll bitch about being watched all day.
i just wanna see u.
joseph tate is a nasty bitch
and i wanna find out why.
Listening: So I worked really hard on an Autumn Playlist yesterday and now i’m listening to the electronica portion of it. Oh and my windows are still open so I’m also listening to the whirring echo of I-83 down below. Yeah it’s a cloud high regular until we have a high of 40°.
Reading: old posts to remind myself of how I truly define “relationship”
Doing: about to hop in the shower and freshen up for this outing happening tonight. I’m going to see Bad Grandpa. Not my first choice by any means. Bad Grandpa is a movie I’d wait to see on Netflix on an extremely bored day off from work. Not something I’d pay $12 to see on fucking opening night. I’ll redeem myself next week on my day off by going to see 12 Years a Slave or Gravity or Carrie or some shit like that.
Eating: thinking about the oreo cheesecake cups I just saw. I’m tasting them in my imagination otherwise I ain’t eating a damn thing.
Drinking: shit. I forgot to get a 5-hour energy. because between now and the theater house, I’m pretty sure sleep is going to start massaging my shoulders and tell me it’s okay…..everything will be okay; everything is okay.
Wearing: grey & navy boxer briefs. the windows are open….
Feeling: pensive. to say the least. but I got that good haircut tonight tho’.
Weather: Partly cloudy skies, dark, currently 52°. All of my windows are open and I think my window fan is trying to drop a hint. The temperature setting caused it to cut off automatically because of how chilly it is.
I was walking around today sweating, warm, uncomfortably warm. I walked past people who were bundled in scarves, tarps (yeah those), burlap, gloves, and nigga hats. *sigh* they all made me hotter as I saw each of them.
Wanting: my futon. and to see something other than Bad Grandpa.
Needing: to act like I have $3 in my bank account. instead of this shit that looks like a tax refund. #blessed
Thinking: …about what I’m reading.
Enjoying: this cold. this cold. this cold. and this playlist. It’s absolutely delicious.