gonna go eat oatmeal now.
Listening: XXYYXX. i mean i found them via iTunes but i’m only able to think of my queen etceterauniverse when i listen to them. because she’s the only other person that i know that playlisted them.
Watching: so i watched the Normal Heart today. and while i feel, on the surface, that Mark Ruffalo plays a gay horribly, the roles and the intensity of the movie really did move me. create an anger in me. not so much an anger but a desire to move something. i don’t know if that something is my ass or a mountain or everything in between — but i wanted to knock a planet off of its revolution to create a new way to balance shit. i wanted….different(ce).
Doing: every other day, my apartment manages to look like absolute shit and grimy and sad and as if a depressed person is the one managing the lease. so i gotta get this place extra straight, extra quick just in case some mid-late night company wanna come over and watch Archer -_- srsly.
Eating: about to smash a bacon cheeseburger. cuz i got it like that.
Drinking: ladies and gentlemen, i present to you, another disgustingly sober evening. a friday one. i just got in from a zipcar housewarming party and i had a beer there but…..the fuck is a beer.
Wearing: a oversized green polo shirt, jeans, black fitted. yeah all of this plus the beer definitely got me acting like a boy tonight. not that i act like a girl any other night. but - yeah. just know that i’m not about to #NoHetero this statement. even though i already did.
Feeling: sober as fuck. also bored. and frugal. because bored. and sober. because frugal.
Weather: it’s mostly cloudy and about 70°F. if you walk down the right block, between the right buildings, the sexiest spring breeze will stroke you up real good.
Wanting: to change all my feelings.
Needing: to hit the lottery. and not the big one. i don’t need to hit the mega millions or anything like that. i just need a good scratch off to slip me $500. i don’t need much. ever. just a little bit. to get by. i can wake up in the morning and appreciate the hell out of the sunrise and showering with daylight before splashing water up on my face. but if i had like $500 to add to that glorious feeling….all would be alright. you hear me, chile? all would be all right.
Thinking: she think we don’t need to do that much drinking in 45 minutes - i feel like we need to because “FEELINGS”. also - i’m about to take over some dashboards because i wanna post as much as i can before the summer (June) gets here.
Enjoying: my music. this weather. and the possibility of getting a drink tonight. (it’s not happening)
Listening: this weekend sounding ass slouch socks playlist i created. Rhye, Quadron, Boom Clap Bachelors, Jessy Lanza, and Little Dragon.
Watching: soon as this food i ordered show up — i’m diving into the rest of Drop Dead Diva
Doing: praying that i don’t get buyer’s remorse from the shoes that i purchased. i hate buying clothes that i actually need.
Eating: whooo jesus. it ain’t show up yet. but when that pizza gets up in me, my only regret will come when i baptize myself in the pacific ocean on monday evening. i have to remember that this is the only life i have and therefore, the pacific will understand me more than anyone has this year.
Drinking: why. the. fuck. is. my. glass. empty? i’m about to walk back out and get a fifth of something clear and fruity.
Wearing: tshirt. jeans. torn thoroughly at the bottom. salt-crusted nike boots. i must throw away these boots, those black loafers, those new balances, all of those underwear, those tshirts, and those dress shirts. also i must find a reliable dry-cleaners.
Feeling: fuck you. fuck you for thinking i’m not aware that i haven’t had a haircut in a month. fuck you for thinking something is wrong. fuck you for thinking i NEED something versus i WANT something different. and to be quite honest, when YOU get so full of your fucking self, the hatred i have for myself in these situations manifests into even greater hatred for your misunderstanding bitchshit.
Weather: overcast and cloudy like shit. 50°F enough for this hoody and being held on a bus stop without sweating.
Wanting: this weekend and the following 4 days to work out. perfectly. there’s way too much concern and worry and anxiety crammed into my mental regarding this trip. i blame television. jarelion better take care of me.
Needing: the 60° on Sunday to come prematurely so i can enjoy this huge brunch I’m plotting to have on the balcony.
Thinking: i create better experiences alone than i do with you.
Enjoying: as always, see Listening
Listening: Recoiled by Flying Lotus. Get in on this shit. I swear the spirit of Baltimore snuck up into his veins intravenously when he produced this motherfucker right here.
Reading: new theories on the malaysian flight that got sucked into a the bermuda triangle while it was in the middle of stretching and yawning.
Doing: getting dressed and preparing myself for a night of drinking. my pre-gaming was quite effective (hence the title of this mawfucking post). and my friend i’m heading out with is playing a bunch of FUCKING games making me not even wanna head out. i already passed out pre-game style once tonight.
Eating: burnt up ass Checkers fries i bought from my grocer’s freezer. had to put some kind of starch up in my bod-bod.
Drinking: amsterdam. straight from the bottle. from the mouth of the bottle to the mouth of my lips. my lips don’t have a mouth. my lips make up the mouth. so yeah. from the mouth of the bottle. to the mouth of me. that doesn’t sound right….. (to the mouth of the quillium. to the mouth of this man. to the mouth of THIS NIGGA RIGHT HERE. naaaahhh to MY MOUTH RIGHT HERE [FOR REAL]. from the lips of the bottle to the lips of the poet. from the bottle to the head.
i would love to be generous with some brain right now actually.
Wearing: this fucking thermal because i’m cold. and it’s not even cold in here. alcohol.
Feeling: i know he better hurry up and get here. and because i typed the word “hurry” this entire portion of this entry is to be read in Regina King’s Boondock’s voice.
Weather: it’s chilly outside but it’s nice. like — i should keep this thermal on and a light jacket but nothing too heavy.
Wanting: financial freedom. a financial savior. not to remember everything that’s currently depressing me.
Needing: all of the things that i want. it’s balled into a needwant.
Thinking: i can’t wait to fucking take pictures of Rah! tomorrow.
Enjoying: Rah! and typing this in front of boogie. he’own give a fuck.
it’s too monday for all this.
So here’s the past 90 days.
and a soundtrack to go with the whole thing.
"i look upon ever day to be lost, in which i do not make a new acquaintance." Samuel Johnson
"everywhere is nowhere. when a person spends all his time in foreign travel, he ends by having many acquaintances, but no friends.
Jesus be a scale.
Listening: my autumn playlist. these jazz standards are dope but i swear the classical pieces make the leaves fall even more graceful.
Watching: Heartbeats. But I’m not going to finish it. I keep imagining myself cuddled up with a blanket and cup of my chai with the windows completely open and watching this film. But every time I tell myself to make a cup of chai, I’m too full to enjoy it. Thanksgiving has been good to me and I swear I’ve been stuffed for the past three days.
Doing: Preparing for the 3 month hiatus. December - February. Spring and Autumn memoir. Don’t you forget it.
Drinking: Hot Cinnamon spice tea. I want one of those tea kettles that sit on tea lights. I don’t need it though.
Wearing: a black t-shirt. yup.
Feeling: You know - last night I pulled out my journal from when I was a senior in high school and read an entire entry on contentment and being happy with what I have. Being completely satisfied with going without and finding happiness in experiences instead of in the tangible. It was a bit overwhelming to see that even 13 years ago - I was talmbout this stuff.
I guess some things never change.
Weather: Overcast - 30°F and we’re supposed to go go-carting today.
Wanting: $2000 worth of electronics and some quiet.
Needing: Just the quiet.
Thinking: About the Sound of Noise, the iPad, the music, this day’s events, and the fact that my entire immediate family was completely split up on Thanksgiving.
Enjoying: what I’m listening to and what I’m drinking.
Listening: A combination of my fall playlist and my evening lounge playlist. I have a ton of excitement and energy over this music.
Watching: I’m watching The Help (again). I tell you what: these movies about the history of African-Americans in this country have a great thread to them but I can only hear all the folks on tumblr pointing out the err and flaws with each film. It’s part of the reason that I haven’t seen 12 Years A Slave yet. (also because I have to have someone hold my hand in heavy movies like that sometimes…..only sometimes)
Doing: Just got finished planking for 35 seconds. Yesterday was more difficult but that was also because it was accompanied by push-ups.
Eating: my diet today - I had three bowls of peanut butter crunch and half a pack of Nathan’s. either i’m a bachelor like a boss or it’s time to go to the grocery store. I’m going to go with the former instead of the latter because I actually have a full meal I could’ve made but didn’t feel like it.
Drinking: what you know about fresh-out-the-freezer pepsi under a cold window fan when it’s 46° outside?
Wearing: I was going to say my favorite basketball shorts but their back story is moreso what I enjoy over the basketball shorts
Feeling: energetic over pepsi and music and …. shit. I think I might do some shots. no. don’t.
Weather: Negroes say it’s cold.
Wanting: toys. lots and lots of toys. it’s November - I owe Santa a list.
Needing: to stop acting like I’m a born and raised New Yorker who done arrived. nothing about any part of me says get that $700 outfit. nothing.
Thinking: 5 more minutes and the disappointment begins. *sigh*
Enjoying: if this robe had a bury feature i’d be so deep in it with some chai on the side.
Listening: So I worked really hard on an Autumn Playlist yesterday and now i’m listening to the electronica portion of it. Oh and my windows are still open so I’m also listening to the whirring echo of I-83 down below. Yeah it’s a cloud high regular until we have a high of 40°.
Reading: old posts to remind myself of how I truly define “relationship”
Doing: about to hop in the shower and freshen up for this outing happening tonight. I’m going to see Bad Grandpa. Not my first choice by any means. Bad Grandpa is a movie I’d wait to see on Netflix on an extremely bored day off from work. Not something I’d pay $12 to see on fucking opening night. I’ll redeem myself next week on my day off by going to see 12 Years a Slave or Gravity or Carrie or some shit like that.
Eating: thinking about the oreo cheesecake cups I just saw. I’m tasting them in my imagination otherwise I ain’t eating a damn thing.
Drinking: shit. I forgot to get a 5-hour energy. because between now and the theater house, I’m pretty sure sleep is going to start massaging my shoulders and tell me it’s okay…..everything will be okay; everything is okay.
Wearing: grey & navy boxer briefs. the windows are open….
Feeling: pensive. to say the least. but I got that good haircut tonight tho’.
Weather: Partly cloudy skies, dark, currently 52°. All of my windows are open and I think my window fan is trying to drop a hint. The temperature setting caused it to cut off automatically because of how chilly it is.
I was walking around today sweating, warm, uncomfortably warm. I walked past people who were bundled in scarves, tarps (yeah those), burlap, gloves, and nigga hats. *sigh* they all made me hotter as I saw each of them.
Wanting: my futon. and to see something other than Bad Grandpa.
Needing: to act like I have $3 in my bank account. instead of this shit that looks like a tax refund. #blessed
Thinking: …about what I’m reading.
Enjoying: this cold. this cold. this cold. and this playlist. It’s absolutely delicious.
Listening: Street Etiquette’s Downplay Mix that they posted earlier. This is some of the dopest shit I’ve ever heard. do you hear me?
Reading: seriously - until further noticed I’m changing this category to watching. Because unfortunately reading is a struggle for me. I want to change that but honestly - i ain’t reading shit right now.
Doing: making arrangements for a photo shoot tomorrow. it’s becoming an annual thing with Mr. UVanity himself.
Eating: nothing. but that strawberry cheesecake flavored cookie is crooning me with the harmony of a thousand joanna newsoms. i’ma just sit right here and….
Drinking: y’all should taste this vodka. it tastes like grapes. that would explain why it reminds me of white wine
Wearing: the smallest pair of underwear results in the most perpetual wedgie of all time. like i feel a little sexy in them but seriously - let’s discuss their disappearance in this…here.
Feeling: off. the sober tip. on. the tipsy side. with. the greatness. let’s backwash snowball vodka and chewing gum. that would be so sick. we’d be a sloppy mess. with vodka running down our chins trying to figure out where the gum is. and chewing. and laughing. no one does these things.
Weather: it’s still wet out. YES JESUS! IT’S STILL WET! this rain has been the most necessary beautiful thing i’ve experienced in awhile.
Wanting: i don’t wanna fall in love with you. i wanna rid myself of my crush for you by kissing you. long. passionately. hard. i probably won’t ever look or think of you the same ever again. give me this remedy please. because until then, i’ll always wonder about you. like you could ever possibly be a prince. or a friend….
Needing: to call zipcar since i turned that shit in 30 minutes late and virtually stole what was mine to return it back to it’s rightful home.
Thinking: about to beat it up. get a drink and beat it up. get a drink and fall asleep before i get the gloves on.
Enjoying: the traffic below, in the rain, sounds like ocean waves. you should hear how the crests tumble and undulate. tumble and undulate. tumble and undulate smoothly beneath the drizzlessss.
Listening: the invisible. and interstate 83 down below. very relaxing. great turn down music. no really - i mean turn down. not intended to be used as the opposite of that dumb fuck ass turn up bullshit.
Reading: revisiting Essex Hemphill’s Brother to Brother Anthology. i found the perfect park, walking trail, waterfall to sit near right off the light rail to enjoy words that i haven’t touched read or explored since my sophomore year in high school.
Doing: looking at FTM porn. i’m more intrigued than anything. maybe with a hint of confusion in the mix. but definitely intrigued and it’s really fucking with my bi-curious side.
Eating: stray pieces of bacon out of my oven from yesterday that i forgot to use. don’t judge me. it’s bacon fucka.
Drinking: water. not dieter’s tea. but water. two glasses.
Feeling: grateful. very grateful. grateful for every minute relationship that i create, nourish, build, and praise throughout each workday. from tommy in hampden with the chronic snoring and the disrespectful words about his wife while she was under anesthesia - to mrs. taylor who sang “autumn leaves” as she came out of the bathroom after dropping a load (i let her borrown my leaves room spray so she wouldn’t feel so embarassed).
to coffee wide open to miss mack and her fine ass son with the smiling eyes. the women in the PACU and the relief with the dead tone. i appreciate each new relationship and the new creation of the ones that already existed. georgia and her threats and all the cindy’s with their complete disinterest in who i am and how i do my job. i love it. and i pray to God that this doesn’t change.
Weather: cloudy 61°F delicious cool. windows wide open. ready to be tucked in.
Wanting: even more contentment and to finish this “must be autumn” playlist i started.
Needing: to do something about my relationship with my family and try my best to make it better. i’m very empathetic and not-so enthusiastic about the lack thereof regarding it.
Thinking: i need to go straight to bed —- now.
Enjoying: the love i have for my grandmother. our conversation this evening had a lot of hidden foreshadowing in it and i need to make a move quick.