secretly, under my kitchen sink - there’s approximately 14 mason jars full of fucks that i keep on standby because portions of my heart are enlarged….
I made the mistake
of boasting about my small circle of friends
not realizing that none
of these dots
so I’m in the center
and I can’t tell where the closeness is
because even with these titled whatevers
it’s easy as shit
to still find myself
let me tell you the truth
i fantasize about being alone
and when i get to the point of fantasizing about anything
it’s as if i’m mentally confirming that it will never happen
i want to defy the ceiling of 30,000 feet of my own sky
i want to defy the physics and laws of gravity
and make my own impossible
as realistic and evident as my own breath
in the dead of winter
i fantasize about being great
i fantasize about this potential i possess
[laughter] i keep fantasizing and ain’t shit gon’ get done
especially when my distractions are the fuel to my fantasy
when my fantasies are the maw’fucking pulse
to my got’damn distractions
i found myself sitting on top of the hill in the park.
i sat there, shivering in the midst of gnats and breezes.
struggling to ignore the joggers
i loved the musical dance of Saturday evening traffic along 83
and there wasn’t a cloud in site.
that’s where my alone felt free.
-excerpt from March 19, 2011 journal entry.
The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedomSupreme Court Justice William Orville Douglas
Sometimes i dont even know who i am without someone to reflect my image off of…P. Whitlow
When I give the green light for company and suddenly wanna say “stay your ass where you are, cuz I’m going to FUCKING sleep”
Sidenote: Whenever I say “FUCKING” I always type in all caps because it reminds me of the Aids Burger scene from True Blood, starring LaFayette. Click for Reference
Seriously - stay where you are.
My upcoming days.
When I find myself having free time, I fill it with people. I substitute being alone for being lonely; surrounding myself with the presence of individuals I’d rather not see or entertain. I have to remind myself of all of the beautiful instruction tucked and sealed in this poetic interpretation. There are elements of diamonds squeezed into the silent pockets of being alone. Rain drops extol me with applause and the condensation on my thoughts are now cleared due to change in barometric pressure associated with alone.
I sometimes go to restaurants, order without looking at the menu, people watch, enjoy the stream of red and orange cabs below or outdoors. I try to figure out if the bass line of the overhead music could, in any way, match the muted flatscreens around the room. Before I’m able to admire the aesthetics of the dish, or the $9 Hair Cuttery phenom of my waiter/waitress, I’ve already devoured it and guzzled down four glasses of faucet water decked with crushed ice cubes.
Slow strolling is also significant for alone. This video just instructed my 3 day weekend.