Listening: Santa Monica sirens are like the worst things ever. But Santa Monica is sooo incredibly nice. It gives me almost this Miami feel but I don’t think I’m entitled to make such a comparison because I’ve never been to Miami. And the Minimalist Jukebox Concert was dope. I hadn’t listened to the “Stay On It” by Julius Eastman in entirety until tonight. I’ll have to revisit it at home soon. Different Trains, quite similarly to Music for 18 Musicians, made me cry when it came to an end.
you know what’s weird. i talk about when i cry as often as i possibly can because i don’t feel like it happens often enough. not saying i wish i was overly sensitive or over-emotional. but sometimes i feel a really good release could do me some good. but anyway….
I left the concert early because my east coast body wasn’t ready for a 3 hour west coast classical showcase.
Watching: sunsets on the pier, HBO Series “Looking”, street performers, nude go-go boys leaning against poles, franksandbeanz making moves on a mechanical bull while completely intoxicated, and palm trees. i swear that was
Doing: texting a different person each day to try to figure out how to smoothly enjoy the trip. i swear this was the biggest inconvenience ever. in retrospect i realized i’d stayed at a different apartment every night while in L.A. we’ve been discussing a return in the near future just to redeem how weird and fucked up this trip was.
Eating: flirting with the girl Maggie at Jersey Mike’s as she hands me a peach tea, 800° Degrees margarita pizza with MEAT. I like my pizza meaty. It’s sexy. The Pie Hole macaroni and cheese pie with $7 watermelon juice; In & Out was mandatory and cornbread battered fried chicken was the best leftovers ever.
Drinking: sober. except for one day. completely sober. girl bye.
Wearing: shorts, t-shirts, and my first pair of new shoes in over a year.
Feeling: as mentioned, I was ready to come home when Day 2 arrived, but i can’t really say that was homesick. I just wish I felt more prepared for this trip.
Weather: I was in southern california — you tell me what the weather was like. and did you read what i was wearing?
Wanting: to go back to los angeles to do the trip all over again the way I’d really want to do it. making cameos instead of being the overnight “oh hai”.
Needing: los angeles traffic CAROL!
Thinking: about how there really were more positive ups than there were inconvenient downs. but the trip did have an unnecessary amount of anxiety attached to it. from beginning to end. the flights were nice though.
• not homesick but I think after today I’ll be ready to go home. (I think)
• been up since 5:33a local time because my body doesn’t sleep past 8:00a EST.
• this beautiful city, between 5 and 7 is LOUD AS SHIT.
• I’m still quite excited about the concert tonight.
• I’m still worrying about the rest of this trip in hopes that all goes well.
• I gotta get meds to include in Frankie’s gift bag.
• pizza for breakfast.
while i’m glad to finally have my haircut after a month, it would be even more incredible to have a barber who had some concept of the word “taper” — it looks like my neck line stops/starts at my ears.
pat metheny made me cry today. again. it’s one thing for a song to make me cry. it happens often. in fact, music is the one thing that can make me cry more than anything else in the world. even if i’m sad and can’t get the tears out, half notes and quarter notes and dissonant chords will push them motherfuckers right down my face. HOWEVER, for a particular song to make me cry more than once is rare. and i swear he gives me proof on “The Way Up”
today feels like sunday - therefore my bags are completely packed for my trip. i just wish i had one of those extended battery juice packs. because the iPhone 5 battery is almost as reliable as public transportation.
here’s a thing about my tumblr crushes: they’re like magazine subscriptions. it’s something new every month. they hold my attention well. i get all up in that cerebral space. swipe all their cologne samples. get into them over a gin & sprite conversation…and then, never recycle, but always add to this masterpiece collage of mine.
i can’t wait for brunch.
this cali playlist is gon be the shit. all the artists from last night + Flying Lotus, Teebs, Me’Shell N’degeocello,
Listening: this weekend sounding ass slouch socks playlist i created. Rhye, Quadron, Boom Clap Bachelors, Jessy Lanza, and Little Dragon.
Watching: soon as this food i ordered show up — i’m diving into the rest of Drop Dead Diva
Doing: praying that i don’t get buyer’s remorse from the shoes that i purchased. i hate buying clothes that i actually need.
Eating: whooo jesus. it ain’t show up yet. but when that pizza gets up in me, my only regret will come when i baptize myself in the pacific ocean on monday evening. i have to remember that this is the only life i have and therefore, the pacific will understand me more than anyone has this year.
Drinking: why. the. fuck. is. my. glass. empty? i’m about to walk back out and get a fifth of something clear and fruity.
Wearing: tshirt. jeans. torn thoroughly at the bottom. salt-crusted nike boots. i must throw away these boots, those black loafers, those new balances, all of those underwear, those tshirts, and those dress shirts. also i must find a reliable dry-cleaners.
Feeling: fuck you. fuck you for thinking i’m not aware that i haven’t had a haircut in a month. fuck you for thinking something is wrong. fuck you for thinking i NEED something versus i WANT something different. and to be quite honest, when YOU get so full of your fucking self, the hatred i have for myself in these situations manifests into even greater hatred for your misunderstanding bitchshit.
Weather: overcast and cloudy like shit. 50°F enough for this hoody and being held on a bus stop without sweating.
Wanting: this weekend and the following 4 days to work out. perfectly. there’s way too much concern and worry and anxiety crammed into my mental regarding this trip. i blame television. jarelion better take care of me.
Needing: the 60° on Sunday to come prematurely so i can enjoy this huge brunch I’m plotting to have on the balcony.
Thinking: i create better experiences alone than i do with you.
just ran out on my balcony with just these draws on in the snow.
didn’t see the puddle of water that had me slide all the way to the edge in laughter
that was rejuvenating.
heavy heavy talking and breathing to follow
better than shuffle, playing my music in title order is fun.
no fear today. approached shy dudes and everything.
but tomorrow. jesus i don’t know what i’m going to do about tomorrow this hair. lord what am i going to do with this hair. Matthew 6. Just the whole chapter. The whole thing. 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Think you’ll never have to ask for help? Here’s your chance to prove it.
a friend sent me this link and this turned out to be one of the most humbling experiences i’ve ever had. i am so grateful for my job, my insurance, my groceries, everything.
after a conversation with a friend (who is REALLY going through it, like, major) we both decided to make a joint effort to count our blessings and focus on what we do have, instead of what we don’t. even when life spirals out of control, it is nothing but faith that will get us back into the sunlight.
• woke up to two trains arguing loudly across zip codes
• the cry that was pending in my spirit has been replaced by a throw up.
• not a single GD text message
• I forgot to make water for my current dehydration. I ain’t drinking from that tap. it gotta be good and cold.
• fell asleep with the midnight oil burning. that always make for awkward awakenings.
• those trains are still screaming. usually I’d be into this but yo — they loud as fuck.
“That’s the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.”—Charles Bukowski
Listening: Recoiled by Flying Lotus. Get in on this shit. I swear the spirit of Baltimore snuck up into his veins intravenously when he produced this motherfucker right here.
Reading: new theories on the malaysian flight that got sucked into a the bermuda triangle while it was in the middle of stretching and yawning.
Doing: getting dressed and preparing myself for a night of drinking. my pre-gaming was quite effective (hence the title of this mawfucking post). and my friend i’m heading out with is playing a bunch of FUCKING games making me not even wanna head out. i already passed out pre-game style once tonight.
Eating: burnt up ass Checkers fries i bought from my grocer’s freezer. had to put some kind of starch up in my bod-bod.
Drinking: amsterdam. straight from the bottle. from the mouth of the bottle to the mouth of my lips. my lips don’t have a mouth. my lips make up the mouth. so yeah. from the mouth of the bottle. to the mouth of me. that doesn’t sound right….. (to the mouth of the quillium. to the mouth of this man. to the mouth of THIS NIGGA RIGHT HERE. naaaahhh to MY MOUTH RIGHT HERE [FOR REAL]. from the lips of the bottle to the lips of the poet. from the bottle to the head.
i would love to be generous with some brain right now actually.
Wearing: this fucking thermal because i’m cold. and it’s not even cold in here. alcohol.
Feeling: i know he better hurry up and get here. and because i typed the word “hurry” this entire portion of this entry is to be read in Regina King’s Boondock’s voice.
Weather: it’s chilly outside but it’s nice. like — i should keep this thermal on and a light jacket but nothing too heavy.
Wanting: financial freedom. a financial savior. not to remember everything that’s currently depressing me.
Needing: all of the things that i want. it’s balled into a needwant.
Thinking: i can’t wait to fucking take pictures of Rah! tomorrow.
Enjoying: Rah! and typing this in front of boogie. he’own give a fuck.